tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35101581542273456952024-02-22T01:32:03.330-08:00Lauren's In ControlAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-8139565431653087742016-01-29T08:16:00.000-08:002016-01-29T08:16:02.416-08:00How To Take Your Power Back<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In this outward control world, it may seem like your up against a giant when you try to change your own life. I’m hoping this blog can serve the purpose of educating people that there is another way. But as I said in the beginning, all you can give to another person is information. What they choose to do with it is up to them. And that’s the whole point anyway. I’m not in this to control you and I don’t want you to try to control others. And you don’t have to violently oppose control measures directed from others to you. For now, just notice how things go. Notice when you are feeling out of control in a situation and how you behave when that happens. Notice how you speak to others and how they speak to you.</div>
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Then ask yourself this question: Will what I am about to do or say bring me closer to the people I want to be close to or farther away? Will my behavior get me closer to my goals or farther from them? </div>
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These questions are important because our goals are the very things we are trying to get accomplished using external control. We’re essentially manipulating our way through life whether we recognize we are doing it or not. And we are doing it under the guise that it is the common sense thing to do. And when it doesn’t work, we just try harder to continue using the same control measures that got us to this point in the first place. And isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results?</div>
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This is why I feel this subject is such an important one. It’s a running theme in my office with the clients I serve. It’s why powerlessness is step one in all 12-step traditions. Our attempts at gaining control over every single event of our lives leads us to pain, depression, illness and sometimes substance abuse. I think it’s time to give it up - don’t you?</div>
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So think about your recent behaviors. The things you’ve done or said to others. Then answer the questions I posed: Did what you said or did bring you closer to your goals and to the people in your life? </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-25653199316289133442016-01-27T10:02:00.003-08:002016-01-27T10:02:58.122-08:00How Fear Keeps You Controlled<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQLzCjGs57uXbK1kBL2YDkud69-jBbpoDsB1EivfDz4xfc1DoJN4HrZ4ljZD1nJjiv1x2pfxI3gREU5xYWqqozL6ZAwMj77WE8m9730THtIf9Kmz3NxS4-BJ_0uk-QMtuIgKX6O0MeVQ/s1600/fear-1027574_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAQLzCjGs57uXbK1kBL2YDkud69-jBbpoDsB1EivfDz4xfc1DoJN4HrZ4ljZD1nJjiv1x2pfxI3gREU5xYWqqozL6ZAwMj77WE8m9730THtIf9Kmz3NxS4-BJ_0uk-QMtuIgKX6O0MeVQ/s320/fear-1027574_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Although control is the underlying force that shapes our lives, it is not the only force at work. It’s second in command is a very powerful emotion. It is one that is used frequently by those in power and is meant to prevent us from acting out of turn. It’s name is fear. And along with its close cousin anxiety, it fools us into believing that we have no power - no control - over our own lives. Fear has hypnotized us and prevents us from living the lives we were always meant to live. </div>
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Think about a situation in which you are unhappy and you feel you have little control. It could be a job you hate or a relationship you feel stuck in. Now think about the fear. What fear messages come through loud and clear when you think about that situation? Do you fear losing your job? Do you fear never being able to support yourself again? Do you fear being seen as a loser? Do you fear never being loved again? </div>
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Now turn your attention to your body. What is all that fear doing to you? Do you feel your heart rate has increased? How about your breathing? Is your stomach clenched? </div>
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Now think through your fear. What if you did lose your job? What then? Is your company the only company in the world that does what yours does? Do other companies use employees that have your skill? Are there other fish in the proverbial sea? Are you really a loser if you make a different choice? Can you choose to put your self-worth in your own hands so that losing a relationship is less devastating? </div>
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Your choice is your power. You can choose to give into the fear or your can choose to rise above it. You can choose to be controlled or regain the feeling of control over your own life. You can be a victim or a hero, if you so choose. </div>
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Because this idea of control - and particularly the way we try to exert it - causes us pain in every area of our lives. Our relationships, our education, or work, our self-esteem - everything! So think about it - what do you have to gain from losing the fear? What do you have to gain from choosing something different? What do you get from choosing to stay the same? </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-78306026675879668212016-01-22T08:30:00.000-08:002016-01-22T08:30:00.618-08:00Reward and Punishment: The Good Cop/Bad Cop of the Control World<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In our society today, it’s obvious that we have a deep
belief in the benefits of the stick and carrot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have been taught from a young age that it is our duty to
punish people who do things wrong and reward people for doing things
right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In most cases “wrong” is
something we simply don’t want others to do while “right” aligns with our
beliefs of what should be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So how
did we learn our version of right and wrong?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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The real question is from whom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I said, from an early age, we learned this concept from
members of our society who were in positions of authority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Parents, teachers, police officers, government
agents and clergy – each taught us a set of rules that if we followed them we
would be rewarded and if we disobeyed them we would be punished.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And each of them learned this method
from people in authority who came before them and so on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Problem is, we carry this belief in the
power of reward and punishment into all of our relationships moving
forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We reward and punish our
children, our spouses or significant others, our co-workers and our
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we never stop to
think of the consequences of this behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t realize that these methods of control only breed
resentment and conditions of worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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Think about your own childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You no doubt loved your parents, but when they punished you
for at least a short time you felt resentment toward them yes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You felt the sting of their
disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were labeled “bad.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Conversely, when you did well in school
maybe you got some money or a new toy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When you were a star player on a team, you got a trophy or ribbon or the
game ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you paid attention
in class, you got a star on the board.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You were “good.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think
about Christmas and Santa Claus who rewards the “good” kids with presents and
punishes the “bad” kids with coal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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Now I can bet some of you are thinking, what’s wrong with a
little punishment when someone misbehaves?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s wrong with rewarding good behavior?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The problem is, it is another method in
which we rob other people of control over their own lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we teach each other that our worth
is based on external praise and accomplishments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It breeds the low self-esteem that people in my office ask
me to help them reverse every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Because in our society, when we punish, we REALLY punish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we don’t apply rewards consistently
or evenly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we don’t allow
others the chance to choose for themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we damage our relationships with the people that matter
the most to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-5643330530400868622016-01-20T08:30:00.000-08:002016-01-20T08:30:05.055-08:00The Body Language of Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We’ve looked at how our words and our actions are designed
to assert our control over others or avoid being controlled by others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, let’s look at our body
language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Body language accounts
for half of every attempt at communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only 7% is verbal while another 38% is through tone of
voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, it stands to reason
that paying attention to our bodies is a good way to understand how we use body
language as a means of control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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So, think about a conversation you may have had recently
with a person you disagreed with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How did your body react?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did you frown?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Roll your
eyes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you give them a big
sigh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What message were you trying
to convey with your body language?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Were you saying “stop talking” or “go away” or “you’re full of it?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your body language was most likely
trying to convey to the other person that you would like it if they would stop
doing what they are doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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How about when we’re angry with someone else?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How does your body react then?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you point or stab your finger at
them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you tap your foot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you wave your arms around?</div>
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What if you want someone’s attention?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You probably wave at them or make the “come
here” gesture with your finger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe you extend your hand for a handshake or raise your eyebrows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghf9xzqz7l25Fhh82fOXUTa3H2qfKDKDgYCTytOIkqieA0a6x-hK3tRrqkLlUSfovqssX89E2BOgS65CmhEFLdW_KsaD_rybZifdeEsRrPJbEVdFQr8fIHZ9WZ02lQmX4YyawCWy2kMFI/s1600/man-272675_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghf9xzqz7l25Fhh82fOXUTa3H2qfKDKDgYCTytOIkqieA0a6x-hK3tRrqkLlUSfovqssX89E2BOgS65CmhEFLdW_KsaD_rybZifdeEsRrPJbEVdFQr8fIHZ9WZ02lQmX4YyawCWy2kMFI/s320/man-272675_640.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What if you are having an important phone conversation and
someone else wants your attention?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Do you give them a dismissive gesture with your hand?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Put your finger to your lips to shush
them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Give them a disapproving
look?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right now, the point is not to judge these movements, but
just to be aware.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To see just how
pervasive this culture of control is in our society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What other body signals can you think of that are meant to
control another person’s behavior?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-51810693247333091342016-01-15T13:07:00.000-08:002016-01-15T13:07:04.834-08:00The Role of Control In Your Life<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KRxyrKXtrwUxMMJ7Wcpcog6kqTxuII273aVGBmhIVW1thQ3_yp2aH5RhoB7eu1aoDYWXI6D6Rrq8zHjKuEpqNtBVMsm5aVMWJ5tbdYZRdPNSlxyukzhP5wqCVal4yRIAfuWj2mjJ0Ag/s1600/joystick-23234_1280.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9KRxyrKXtrwUxMMJ7Wcpcog6kqTxuII273aVGBmhIVW1thQ3_yp2aH5RhoB7eu1aoDYWXI6D6Rrq8zHjKuEpqNtBVMsm5aVMWJ5tbdYZRdPNSlxyukzhP5wqCVal4yRIAfuWj2mjJ0Ag/s320/joystick-23234_1280.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over thousands of years, the societies of the world have
created a set of rules to be followed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Expectations for how each of us should behave and think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us follow these rules without
question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And those of us who
choose to challenge these rules often face tremendous backlash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Society as a whole tries to force the
person to conform.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can see
this playing out in our society today with the current fights over racial,
gender, and income inequality to just name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One side is choosing to say to the system that it can no
longer control them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other side
is behaving in a way designed to maintain the status quo order and
control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This fight exists in
every layer of our society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
think about it – how is this fight playing out in your own life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This struggle for control, I believe, is at the root of all
of our unhappiness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It shows up
very early in our lives when well-meaning people choose to decide what is best
for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, I agree, when we are
children our ability to make safe decisions is limited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But children are capable of much more
choice than they are often allowed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ll go into that more in future posts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But right now, the question I am asking you to look at is
how can you be free to live your life the way you want to while at the same
time getting along with the people you want to have in your life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can you stop living your life
according to society’s expectations, and start living it based on your
own?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I would say the first step is to take a step back, open your
eyes and ears and just notice how this battle between control and choice plays
out in your own life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Listen to
the way you’re spoken to and the way you speak to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider how you behave in one
environment versus another or in front of one person or another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Think about the situations where you
feel powerful and powerless and what is the difference between the two?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Awareness is the first step to any kind
of change after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also
the first step to making changes and better choices for yourself.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-8027091995379403272016-01-13T13:01:00.000-08:002016-01-13T13:01:03.766-08:00We Choose Everything<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5j0iEQ0eXAWZNzXBYqIht0FxNiJjNGOURzP9Oa5g9nf2Hp5e3GbDKtjpONR8kMXag5vHB9ZM5t8Z3z-1j3w_ZSOxbWf0DTGvuaH2CQ50-N5vsalfqU073fyP5o8TCu8CU3oUKsVaE1zI/s1600/option-112225_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5j0iEQ0eXAWZNzXBYqIht0FxNiJjNGOURzP9Oa5g9nf2Hp5e3GbDKtjpONR8kMXag5vHB9ZM5t8Z3z-1j3w_ZSOxbWf0DTGvuaH2CQ50-N5vsalfqU073fyP5o8TCu8CU3oUKsVaE1zI/s320/option-112225_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Did you know that we choose everything we do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We choose all of our emotions and
behaviors at any given time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
of you may find yourselves quickly on the defensive with that question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In our society, it is common for us to
blame others for our feelings and behaviors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How often have you heard or said this: “You make me so
angry,” or “Look what you made me do!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We expect certain people in our lives to “make us happy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the truth is, only we can do these
things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only we can make ourselves
happy or angry or do anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Because our emotions and our actions are under no one’s control but
ours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Therefore, if we feel happy it’s our own fault.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If we feel miserable, that’s our own
fault too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s time we start
taking responsibility for our feelings and actions and stop giving away our
power to someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All we can
give or get from another person is information.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If someone says to you “you’re making me angry” the
information they are conveying is that you are doing something they wish you
wouldn’t or perhaps you’re not doing something they wish you would.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are telling you that they have
chosen anger to deal with how they feel about your actions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At this point, you have a set of
choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can agree with them
and choose to believe that you did, in fact, make them angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can decide not to agree with them,
but still change your behavior to maintain peace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can stand up for yourself, argue back, point out that they
have chosen to be angry and could choose something else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your reaction is completely in your
control and completely out of theirs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6gWVF8wu8dC-7A5IH3Nc-XBlOVcczuMCvjGGp01Rfq00H1APJmVVO4XH0PtwLVzdVyKPpe7mlvjzWDoACWN5wBS7ugnmosFHs2PweQQiBN-xsPmF-1w-O7ZeuWxDh18qCjtPZTin1JUI/s1600/meadow-680607_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="119" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6gWVF8wu8dC-7A5IH3Nc-XBlOVcczuMCvjGGp01Rfq00H1APJmVVO4XH0PtwLVzdVyKPpe7mlvjzWDoACWN5wBS7ugnmosFHs2PweQQiBN-xsPmF-1w-O7ZeuWxDh18qCjtPZTin1JUI/s320/meadow-680607_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s unfortunate that we often choose to react to statements
such as “you’re making me angry” with other statements designed to gain control
of the conversation or situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For example, when a child misbehaves, you may choose to be upset about
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then you may choose to yell
at that child and threaten them if they don’t change their behavior in the
future and the result is a damaging of your relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may be a subtle scratch, but there
is damage done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a result, that
child may feel afraid to try new things or come to that parent with problems
for fear of being threatened and yelled at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, the parent wants the child to stop doing something
the child wants to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The parent
wants to control the child’s behavior and ignore the child’s ability to choose
for his or herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, sometimes
this is necessary such as when a child is doing something dangerous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But most times, the parent is trying to
stop a behavior they have chosen to be wrong or chosen to feel annoyed by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So going forward, I challenge you to listen to
yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> W</span>hen do you use words that assign blame for your feelings and behaviors to
others?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> When have you tried to assert control over someone else's choices? When have others done the same to you? </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3510158154227345695.post-82618069922478579982016-01-11T12:46:00.000-08:002016-01-11T12:46:15.526-08:00We're All Addicted to Control!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrHKJxodZ0zGhHdyyBJdQgoE0-NcqxTH-u8iF7feOZxBDdfi2XgMAU9ToPvaS9DpZoL8BdqmEw7CwKZD48cP2pOpD78gwF7Cp0DTy0RQnXLvpig3m9wdnEpFg_bGMMS-Onf18rygYLbgw/s1600/welcome-976277_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrHKJxodZ0zGhHdyyBJdQgoE0-NcqxTH-u8iF7feOZxBDdfi2XgMAU9ToPvaS9DpZoL8BdqmEw7CwKZD48cP2pOpD78gwF7Cp0DTy0RQnXLvpig3m9wdnEpFg_bGMMS-Onf18rygYLbgw/s320/welcome-976277_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Welcome to my blog!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I decided to start this blog because I think our society has an
addiction problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are addicted
to control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it is this concept
of control that causes us a lot of problems both in our individual lives and in
the world at large.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, we
really only have control over ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Basically, just our thoughts, feelings and actions – and that’s it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some people, this thought brings comfort and allows us
to reclaim lost power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For others,
this is a scary thought because if I can only control myself, how can I ensure
my own safety?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a therapist, the discussion of control often comes up
within the first few sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oftentimes problems arise in our relationships as a result of either us
trying to control others or others trying to control us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you think about it, control is at
the root of almost every conflict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I often tell people that there are really only four reasons a person
becomes angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Someone is doing something I don’t want them to
do and they won’t stop.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Someone won’t do something I do want them to do
and they won’t do it.</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Someone wants me to do something I don’t want to
do.</div>
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<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Someone wants me to stop doing something I do
want to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUidshyQdegY2YgwwNoJ3HO994Xzz80L4xjUbR2A7Jf4YvMFVViCzibCaCc1lurB8hdA_cI_lZlrhI5hogMgJ4PNrERVITiHAD2zUJwkI6boAt6FPch1T7ud8pzb45q8mvAhyphenhyphentGk_ptA/s1600/controlled-1015719_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFUidshyQdegY2YgwwNoJ3HO994Xzz80L4xjUbR2A7Jf4YvMFVViCzibCaCc1lurB8hdA_cI_lZlrhI5hogMgJ4PNrERVITiHAD2zUJwkI6boAt6FPch1T7ud8pzb45q8mvAhyphenhyphentGk_ptA/s320/controlled-1015719_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is control versus choice at its most basic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we only make it more complicated
from here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our society is based on
the illusion of control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s even
permeated our language.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Make it
happen.” “Just do it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it
controls our attitudes towards others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“It’s their own fault.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If
I can do it, so can they.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“They
got themselves in that situation and they can get themselves out.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These statements ignore that fact that
some things are just plain out of our control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days traffic is heavier than others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days you have a cold or the
flu.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days, you run out of ink
or someone else eats your lunch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some days there are long lines in the stores because some days too many
people have called in sick and this is the best the company can do right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, how do we combat this out of control sense of
control?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Through recognizing our
power of choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At any given
time, we have choices that are presented to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the choices available to us are limited.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes we may not like the choices
that are presented to us, but choices are still present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, maybe you hate your
job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it’s your choice to be
there!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>True, if you just up and
quit you may struggle with money for a bit, but it’s likely you will eventually
find another job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So showing up
each day is a choice and so is quitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is how you are powerful over your awful boss or your gossipy
co-workers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You realize it’s your
choice to stay or go because you are choosing to work toward you own
goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
So, that’s what this blog is going to be about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This constant struggle of ours between
control and choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feel free to
join the conversation!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> How do you struggle with control?</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06616914837757179730noreply@blogger.com0