Did you know that we choose everything we do? We choose all of our emotions and
behaviors at any given time. Some
of you may find yourselves quickly on the defensive with that question. In our society, it is common for us to
blame others for our feelings and behaviors. How often have you heard or said this: “You make me so
angry,” or “Look what you made me do!”
We expect certain people in our lives to “make us happy.” But the truth is, only we can do these
things. Only we can make ourselves
happy or angry or do anything.
Because our emotions and our actions are under no one’s control but
ours.
Therefore, if we feel happy it’s our own fault. If we feel miserable, that’s our own
fault too. It’s time we start
taking responsibility for our feelings and actions and stop giving away our
power to someone else. All we can
give or get from another person is information. If someone says to you “you’re making me angry” the
information they are conveying is that you are doing something they wish you
wouldn’t or perhaps you’re not doing something they wish you would. They are telling you that they have
chosen anger to deal with how they feel about your actions. At this point, you have a set of
choices. You can agree with them
and choose to believe that you did, in fact, make them angry. You can decide not to agree with them,
but still change your behavior to maintain peace. You can stand up for yourself, argue back, point out that they
have chosen to be angry and could choose something else. Your reaction is completely in your
control and completely out of theirs.
It’s unfortunate that we often choose to react to statements
such as “you’re making me angry” with other statements designed to gain control
of the conversation or situation.
For example, when a child misbehaves, you may choose to be upset about
that. Then you may choose to yell
at that child and threaten them if they don’t change their behavior in the
future and the result is a damaging of your relationship. It may be a subtle scratch, but there
is damage done. As a result, that
child may feel afraid to try new things or come to that parent with problems
for fear of being threatened and yelled at. Again, the parent wants the child to stop doing something
the child wants to do. The parent
wants to control the child’s behavior and ignore the child’s ability to choose
for his or herself. Now, sometimes
this is necessary such as when a child is doing something dangerous. But most times, the parent is trying to
stop a behavior they have chosen to be wrong or chosen to feel annoyed by.
So going forward, I challenge you to listen to
yourself. When do you use words that assign blame for your feelings and behaviors to
others? When have you tried to assert control over someone else's choices? When have others done the same to you?
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